inspiration is key

I am inspired by my parents. The love of a parent to a child is incomprehensible. I have done so many wrong things in my life, so much that I am pretty sure my parents would be justified to disown me and want to have nothing to do with me. I am inspired when my dad hugs me and tells me that he loves me, that I am beautiful and I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I am inspired every time when I remember the times when the comfort, prayers and reassurance of my mother were the only thing that gave me the hope to live another day during the most trying times of my life. She is the permanent glue that holds me together; and my dad has always been the confidence I somehow lost during my adolescent phase of growth. It is amazing how he believes in me and just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes because I am beyond blessed to have my parents in my life. When I count all the things I have done and how many times they have forgiven and helped me to grow, undeserving is the only word that slightly explains how I feel.

It is because of this that I have a dream. There is so much I would like to selflessly achieve before my youthful enthusiasm wears out. i am humbled by what my parents have done for me and I can’t help but be challenged to be even 1% of who they have become. I am drawn to people who have been victims of sexual assault or any other known form of abuse. I can relate. This is quite an under spoken topic in our African culture and I believe there are so many people who have fallen victim, but because of certain ethics in the general African society, they are forced to be quiet.

I am inspired to reach to all those of whom are under this category and more. I would like to set up a website that is open 24 hours to anyone who need help. I would like to have a home and a clinic for those who do not have anywhere to go. More so I would like to be heard as a 21 year old girl so as to prompt this generation to make a difference in the communities they are in.

The compassion, tolerance, and second and third chances that has been graced to me by my parents has been my main inspiration; and it is through this inspiration and more that I yearn so much till my last breathe to be a part of something bigger than me.

the journey of a thousand miles

Two weeks ago marked the end of my trail for the crown of Face of Zimbabwe, but it was indeed the beginning. For those who are familiar with the song “man down” by Rhiannah, this contest was another translation of the songJ. I have been through much and I am still working my way to being “normal” after the fact of abuse. This contest was me standing up to myself and for other victims regardless of the inferiority complex we all might have carried for such a long time. In other words, it was more like a “look at me now” moment of proving that we all ought to be moving on and the scars of the past aren’t going to withhold us from being a success at something.

If I must clarify, on me referring to my experience with the song by Rhiannah “”man down”; I was once sad and guilty and scared after everything that had happened. Then when everything came out, I was angry because keeping such a secret for five years seems to have stolen five years of development in my life; therefore I was angry, really really angry.  Instead of “shooting someone”, like the music video suggests, I decided that I was going to do anything in my power to prove that I am moving forward.

It’s sad how it may always be an uphill battle, but I am happy because of boldness and encouragement that one can be graced with just by being transparent and surrounding him/herself with positive people. Face of Zimbabwe was the first step to a million mile journey toward awareness and personally, confidence in self. That much is worth being grateful for or I would be found in contempt.

pacifism vs war (activism)

Pacifism vs. war (activism)? I prefer being an activism extremist in comparison to being a war activist. Personally, my stance on this issue stands as I was a victim of incest (sexual abuse by a family member). I strongly believe that what you are so passionate about, you are willing to fight for; and what you give a benefit of a doubt, you really aren’t willing to “jump now and fear later” for it. It is when one is sick and tired of being sick and tired that he/she stands up for a cause. Pacifism leads to people being taken advantage of and making them look like they are defenseless, submissive (or partially submissive) and fearful. I had grown to trust, respect and look up to my abuser. He was an amazing “friend” and role model. Prior to the “situation” I had never been exposed to anything along the lines of sexual content or contact. My eyes, state of mind, body and overall being were virgin to the sexual aspect of life. He sat me down to porn. I did not stand up to him to say anything. I was afraid of what he would do because I was seeing these people having sex on the television and it looked so painful. He led me to his room and things happened. At the end of the day I felt so dirty, so filthy. I just wanted to die. I hated him, I hated what he did, I hated myself. On that same day, he tried to pick up from where he left off. He tried to kiss me and I brushed him off with utter disgust and walked away. He looked at me puzzled, and I’m pretty sure he knew that I wasn’t going to submit for the second time.I had decided to fight instead of being modest because I did not agree to his idea of me, but that didn’t last so long. In confiding in a friend, my abuser got to realize that I was becoming more vocal and as such empowered. He did not view what had happened between us as an abomination neither was incest. I did not stop him; conclusively I wanted it as much as he did. I think people decide to be pacifist having been threatened and instantly assuming that they cannot take a situation in their own hands. For five years I never told I a soul of what happened between the abuser and I. I had been threatened with phrases like, “do you think anyone is going to believe you?” and “if I go down, you are going down with me.”A lot of people owe their successes to the universe or whatever religious affiliation they are entitled to. I personally thank God for the circumstances that led to this burden of a secret to be exposed. Since I spoke to my mom, my father, my brother and a few of my not so distant family members, I feel liberated. In as much as I am now angry that those five years of my life seemed to have gone to waste, I am happy because of the conviction I have and the unfathomable power I have to stand against any molester. My voice is my activism, my life is my activism and my story is my activism.I am African. Such a lifestyle and tolerance to molestation and incest is great in its numbers from where I am from. Such a stand up on my part is a fight against social norms. Activism, for me, is the power to stand my ground and defend what is rightfully mine; and that is regardless of any retaliation I am ever going to face.

standing tall

Apparently it takes more than what is imagined to pursue a vision JI have just recently signed up for the face of Zimbabwe beauty contest.http://www.faceofzimbabwe.com/contestant_details.php?cnt_id=195  .As I see all the beautiful ladies I am competing against aswell as the circumstances surrounding me, I am beginning to question my motives behind me taking a bite at this big challenge.

I realize that I ought to be a role model of victims of rape and abuse and incest. I feel it’s the least I could do given my past experiences with regards to the matter J if I managed to crawl out of that little dark hole, I am pretty sure anybody else can. Like I always say, I am really liberated and finally free from the bondage of the past.

This contest is to show how I have moved forward, how I am no longer a victim but a victor in all respects. More always, it’s a bigger challenge than I assumed it would be. I am surrounded by passion driven women, with so much enthusiasm as well as a bucketful more confidence than I do. My character and power of self is being tested on a daily basis. Now and then I have been missing the target to which I have set for myself with regards to this competition. It is not about a win or loss. It is indeed about an extremely vocal platform that teaches women from all walks of life that they are beautiful, regardless of the scars that they bear or the baggage they seem to convey to the rest of the world.

Beauty can only be put across from the inside out. All these beautiful women are beautiful for their own reasons. Well, this is mine Jhttp://www.faceofzimbabwe.com/contestant_details.php?cnt_id=195
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faceofzimbabwe.com%2Fcontestant_details.php%3Fcnt_id%3D195&h=cAQAdh6LI

YouTube - Jennifer Hudson - I remember me [2011 HQ]

YouTube - Jennifer Hudson - I remember me [2011 HQ]

I love this song. After five years of going through so much bitterness and resentment and defeat in my life, finally I got to remember me. I am beautiful and priceless and I have the whole world to conquer J I was once bound by the past, sometimes I still feel like the past five years of my life were stolen from me, but I remember that through it all I have a testimony. The bible says all things work together for good for those who love the lord and for those who are called to His purpose. I am no longer a victim, but a triumphant victor. I remember me, and nothing will hold me down from now on.

it is my prayer today that the Lord my show me the right way to do what i strongly believe he has called me to be. not my wisdom but His, not my knowledge or understanding, but His. i pray that He be the leader and author of everything. 
Amen <3

cutting of my addictions/dependencies/insecurities :)

       When we decide to go through a revolution in our lives, there will always come about situations that will test us to see if we have actually moved on. I have talked much about my beat down self esteem and being defeated. Well on the long list of wrong doings, I always liked to please people. I never wanted to upset anybody, and I would make sure that I didn’t. I would beg and apologize and kiss up and buy friendship, that is, I would buy my “friends” stuff or offer stuff. If they said jump, I would say how high. I’m thinking because of my past experiences I was always so desperate to have a relationship with anyone such that I tried too hard. I held on so tight because I thought that was what was going to make me feel better. In me holding on, something quickly messed up everything and I was back on ground zero.

        It is today, however that I seem to be going through this same phase of wanting to be needed in a relationship of some sort that I remember that the bible says  IN AS MUCH AS SOME TRUST IN HORSES AND CHARIOTS, MY HOPE AND TRUST OUGHT TO BE IN THE LORD.

       I shouldn’t need somebody’s approval to be happy. At the end of the day it is God’s approval that matters the most. For example I shouldn’t need a boyfriend the influence of a peer to make me happy, because they will disappoint you, they are human. But God says in His word that HE IS NOT A MAN THAT HE SHOULD LIE, NEITHER IS HE A SON OF MAN THAT HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS MIND.

I wouldn’t know what your point of desperation may be. Perhaps alcohol, drugs, sex?

       I personally, LOOK UP TO THE HILLS FROM WHERE MY HELP COMES FROM? MY HELP COMES FROM THE LORD, THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH.

        He knows me better than any person would even attempt. J

WORTH A LOT MORE :)

It is just recently that I have realized that people treat you according to the way you treat yourself. However, criticism and rejection will always be a factor of life. No-one can make everybody satisfied. Hurtful exchange of words will take place now and then, but it is always up to you with regards to what you do with the negative information

Back then; when I used to feel so sorry for myself due to me being in the shoes of a victim; I was so fragile and always agitated and hurt by the littlest negativity that anybody would say or do. I felt so intimidated and I never stood up for myself. If somebody, even a random person was to come to me and say, “you are nothing.”, I actually believed it. My brain had the tendancies of rehearsing all these words and breeding hurt aswell as feeding on my low self esteem. That was then

Last month while in a conversation with my mom, she said, “now that everything is clear and out, you’re gonna be fine, you’re gonna be strong.”. I didn’t believe it until today when an experience challenged my newly found ego. I told myself I am worth more than any negativity and so instead of rehearsingand trying to believe what was spoken of my life I encouraged myself and spent the rest of my day with people who made me feel happy and appreciated(my brother and cousins).

The bible says life and death are in the power of the tongue. People will speak death in you, but counter attack and speak life in yourself. As for me, I encourage myself in with my worth in Christ, and my worth in my family and community. J yes indeed, mom was right; I AM STRONG!

my black is beautiful

Aseelah G.'s Story

Thick hair, skinny no curves, buck-toothed (thumb sucker) WITH ECZEMA OVER 75 percent OF MY BODY! As a child, I thought I was the true definition of ugly ... and I was teased often for it.

I began doing my sister's hair because my mother was "hair conflicted" which simply means, she COULD NOT DO HAIR! I refused to let my sister suffer from the ridicule of peers if I could help it. It dawned on me that helping OTHER people feel fabulous was what I wanted to do. It was not until the age of 18 that my "beauty" began to click for me but by that time I was on a mission. I began doing hair, but not just hair, braid designing! I was determined to be the best at it!

With each and every style I created, with every new satisfied client, with every child smiling in my mirror, with every woman happy with the fact that I had covered their problem area; my beauty began to shine. It was so ironic that helping others feel good about themselves allowed me to open my eyes to see my own beauty. My ability to encourage others to embrace all that G-d blessed them with; somehow my own words began to hit me.

Now a mother of six and grandmother of one, it is my duty and my pleasure to guide them through their awkward stages.

My black is eczema, my black is big smile, my black is thick hair, my black is beautiful because my black is ALL MINE!

Sometimes I have to go through some of my own motivational notes inorder for me to be motivated. Life is a journey; its full of traps and slip ups that crave to see you fail. I am deciding to not give up. Grow up and Grow out J

In pursuit of excellence

Ecles9vs10
 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might....

God gave me the opportunity to go to the Amblify concert at Rhema bible church. It was an amazing night. Prior to that I guess I could say I stepped on a little stone that hindered my way to healing from the past that I have been delivered from. So at the concert, I was determined to pray and ask God all these questions I had in my heart (the power of confession and conversation).

For those who are tightly knit with one relationship or the other, you should know that trust is a big deal. And once you have lost that trust it is hard to get it back. In some cases it never gets back.

Well my prayer was that the situation at hand would not phase me; and that I would not go back to the depressive situation I was in before God healed me. I also prayed that God may give me the power to be better, to prove that I am a better person, and since then, I have been trying.

So I don’t know what you are going through, but God answers prayers. And if you’re not a believer, well, being a better person in general should be no respecter of whatever religious affiliation. Being a good person at heart and works really doesn’t hurt; neither does it need financial funding.

So take a stab at it!

let go and let God :)

today i pray that my day be fruitful, but mostly that i don't run away from what seems to be a challenge or tension. i would like to acknowledge that what ever i am going through is just a phase and greener pastures are yet to come :)

time heals all wounds :)

grabbing the bull by the horns

so this week i have learnt that Events will be there. Flash backs are inevitable. People from your past will always be there to remind you of your past flaws and weaknesses. People in the present will always be there to discourage you, and perhaps not believe that you have turned a new leaf in your life

Well, the choice is always yours, to listen or to throw a deaf ear at it. For all those who are familiar with the music of Bob Marley, Redemption song is my favorite of all his lifetime collections. He says, “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds…” free yourself, sanctify yourself, deem yourself better than negative thoughts, negative words and feedback. Ignore it, tell yourself otherwise and move on to prove it to yourself that you are better than all the discouragement and negativity.

I personally went through a phase in my life and right now, more than anything I am determined to break tooth and nail if it means me not going back to the person I was. I don’t want to be that anymore. Regardless of what people say, I am free and I am free indeed.

I know myself more than anyone else knows me. In my case, push is not going to come to shove. I am already on shove. I have made a mental choice to guard my faith that the Lord healed me so jealously I pray that nothing phases me.

As always, surround yourself with people who you know can help you. For example the other day while applying my makeup, I loudly said “ow my goodness I’m so ugly”. Instantly my brother rebuked me and yelled at me as if I had murdered someone. Of course, I was murdering my newly regained self esteem. Over all when its all said and done, it takes a village. I’m grateful for my brother who bombarded me with bible verses to boost me and remind me of who I am, where I have been and where I am going in Christ .

Who do you have to pick you out and hold u accountable for your actions?

1 Thessalonians 5:11
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (NIV)

Colossians 3:16
“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.” (NIV)

James 5:16
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (NASB)

Proverbs 24:24-25
“He who says to the wicked, “You are righteous,” Him the people will curse; Nations will abhor him. But those who rebuke the wicked will have delight, And a good blessing will come upon them.” (NKJV)

in a ll things, give God the golory :)

because i am a strong black woman, ready to take on the world with 2 iron fists!!!

Halle Berry's Journey From Miss USA Runner-Up To Oscar Winner - Yahoo! TV Blog

Halle Berry's Journey From Miss USA Runner-Up To Oscar Winner - Yahoo! TV Blog

really cool piece. got me thinking that we all should have a competitive nature in our lives. before i used to wait for the AHA! moment of being discovered and i didn't work. mom says when i was younger(even when i was a baby playing with playmates) i used to be competitive and she never knew where it went. well, until recently, i had a very very poor self esteem, lower than low itself. then as i managed to find the root of the problem, as in, when my low self esteem started, i didn't work on it really, but i talked about it. talking to my mom has been so therapeutic and as always, i encourage everyone to not bottle feelings and or hurtful events inside. they end up corroding all the good opportunities you are destined to have. its not worth it. better use that voice in order for you to grow up and grow out of whatever situation you are going through.

if i were to look at this halle berry blog in my ow poor me eyes, i would be saying, ow waw, look at her, shes so pretty, maybe if i was that pretty i'd have that much confidence. but then again, i am new gracy. i may not be cut out for modelling, but i know my strengths and all those things that come naturally. for instance, my blogging, i love blogging. maybe this little seed will flourish to be a big tree worth admiring only if i maintain my confidence, and not wait and hope for someone to hand whatever i may need on a silver platter.

i used to be like that, i used to feel so sorry for myself because of what i had been through such that its either, whatever good things i had, i did not deserve, or whatever i didn't have or wanted,i did not work for. so when i didn't get what i wanted, i felt sorry for myself again. it was terrible come to think of it.it was a cycle of self sympathy that led to unrealistic expectations failures and lack of progression.

i am happy i have changed, thanks to the power of confession. if talking to someone who can help me has turned my confidence and love of self 360 degrees, then wouldn't you think it may work for you as well?

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it :) <3

make lemonade :)

Its always nice to have renewd strength and to be reborn of something. You’re so exited because you seem to have made a big discovery and cant wait to share it so everyone can feel whatever you are feeling. I say, the Lord is good J

I don’t know why but this “season” of my life I am advocating solely on transparency… living a life free of secrets.>….pretty much living a life free of hurt, disappointments, grudges, bitterness, depression. I know so because I once led a life like that and now, I have discovered something anew; the truth J

I have known the truth and the truth has set me free. J

For those of us who are Christians, remember that time when you received Jesus as your personal savior and the Holy Spirit took over? If you were like me, you were so excited and eager to share the feeling you had. For a time, I’m pretty sure everyone might have referred you as “pastor”, or “evangelist” or even “bishop”.

Such it was because it was just like fire shut up in your bones. You knew exactly what you were talking about. You knew your goal and inspiration. Well so I guess that’s how I feel. Like a renewed spirit that waited on the Lord to someday mount up with wings like and eagle J

I lived a life of secrecy, lies, defeat, and self-sympathy, just to mention but a few. It was quite a casserole, a not so delicious casserole. Layers after layers…then one day, it all went away.

When I say I am grateful for my mom over and over again, I intend to not take it back. She has been my strength and vote of confidence through every step of my transition. Therefore, now you know I am not perfect neither can I do any of this without my mom. She is the best!!

It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t. my “war cry” for this particular situation has been “grow up and grow out”. I am a victor for fighting to be a better, daughter, sister and friend. I have to remind myself that every day. I am a victor! I have all the confidence in the world, all the confidence I never had, because I shared my load and heavy burdens with God and my mom. J

The bible says The Lord will never leave us nor forsake us. And His word is not a lie because He says he is neither a man that He should lie, nor is He a son of man that He should change his mind. J

Since I believe in the divine spirit of God as well as the trinity, those who may not believe in the same faith, may think of me as crazy right now. But Lord help me, if nothing good comes out of this situation, I know it is the hand of God that has granted me favor to have a mother like mine and I will always be eternally grateful. J

That’s my lemonade J