inspiration is key

I am inspired by my parents. The love of a parent to a child is incomprehensible. I have done so many wrong things in my life, so much that I am pretty sure my parents would be justified to disown me and want to have nothing to do with me. I am inspired when my dad hugs me and tells me that he loves me, that I am beautiful and I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I am inspired every time when I remember the times when the comfort, prayers and reassurance of my mother were the only thing that gave me the hope to live another day during the most trying times of my life. She is the permanent glue that holds me together; and my dad has always been the confidence I somehow lost during my adolescent phase of growth. It is amazing how he believes in me and just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes because I am beyond blessed to have my parents in my life. When I count all the things I have done and how many times they have forgiven and helped me to grow, undeserving is the only word that slightly explains how I feel.

It is because of this that I have a dream. There is so much I would like to selflessly achieve before my youthful enthusiasm wears out. i am humbled by what my parents have done for me and I can’t help but be challenged to be even 1% of who they have become. I am drawn to people who have been victims of sexual assault or any other known form of abuse. I can relate. This is quite an under spoken topic in our African culture and I believe there are so many people who have fallen victim, but because of certain ethics in the general African society, they are forced to be quiet.

I am inspired to reach to all those of whom are under this category and more. I would like to set up a website that is open 24 hours to anyone who need help. I would like to have a home and a clinic for those who do not have anywhere to go. More so I would like to be heard as a 21 year old girl so as to prompt this generation to make a difference in the communities they are in.

The compassion, tolerance, and second and third chances that has been graced to me by my parents has been my main inspiration; and it is through this inspiration and more that I yearn so much till my last breathe to be a part of something bigger than me.

the journey of a thousand miles

Two weeks ago marked the end of my trail for the crown of Face of Zimbabwe, but it was indeed the beginning. For those who are familiar with the song “man down” by Rhiannah, this contest was another translation of the songJ. I have been through much and I am still working my way to being “normal” after the fact of abuse. This contest was me standing up to myself and for other victims regardless of the inferiority complex we all might have carried for such a long time. In other words, it was more like a “look at me now” moment of proving that we all ought to be moving on and the scars of the past aren’t going to withhold us from being a success at something.

If I must clarify, on me referring to my experience with the song by Rhiannah “”man down”; I was once sad and guilty and scared after everything that had happened. Then when everything came out, I was angry because keeping such a secret for five years seems to have stolen five years of development in my life; therefore I was angry, really really angry.  Instead of “shooting someone”, like the music video suggests, I decided that I was going to do anything in my power to prove that I am moving forward.

It’s sad how it may always be an uphill battle, but I am happy because of boldness and encouragement that one can be graced with just by being transparent and surrounding him/herself with positive people. Face of Zimbabwe was the first step to a million mile journey toward awareness and personally, confidence in self. That much is worth being grateful for or I would be found in contempt.

pacifism vs war (activism)

Pacifism vs. war (activism)? I prefer being an activism extremist in comparison to being a war activist. Personally, my stance on this issue stands as I was a victim of incest (sexual abuse by a family member). I strongly believe that what you are so passionate about, you are willing to fight for; and what you give a benefit of a doubt, you really aren’t willing to “jump now and fear later” for it. It is when one is sick and tired of being sick and tired that he/she stands up for a cause. Pacifism leads to people being taken advantage of and making them look like they are defenseless, submissive (or partially submissive) and fearful. I had grown to trust, respect and look up to my abuser. He was an amazing “friend” and role model. Prior to the “situation” I had never been exposed to anything along the lines of sexual content or contact. My eyes, state of mind, body and overall being were virgin to the sexual aspect of life. He sat me down to porn. I did not stand up to him to say anything. I was afraid of what he would do because I was seeing these people having sex on the television and it looked so painful. He led me to his room and things happened. At the end of the day I felt so dirty, so filthy. I just wanted to die. I hated him, I hated what he did, I hated myself. On that same day, he tried to pick up from where he left off. He tried to kiss me and I brushed him off with utter disgust and walked away. He looked at me puzzled, and I’m pretty sure he knew that I wasn’t going to submit for the second time.I had decided to fight instead of being modest because I did not agree to his idea of me, but that didn’t last so long. In confiding in a friend, my abuser got to realize that I was becoming more vocal and as such empowered. He did not view what had happened between us as an abomination neither was incest. I did not stop him; conclusively I wanted it as much as he did. I think people decide to be pacifist having been threatened and instantly assuming that they cannot take a situation in their own hands. For five years I never told I a soul of what happened between the abuser and I. I had been threatened with phrases like, “do you think anyone is going to believe you?” and “if I go down, you are going down with me.”A lot of people owe their successes to the universe or whatever religious affiliation they are entitled to. I personally thank God for the circumstances that led to this burden of a secret to be exposed. Since I spoke to my mom, my father, my brother and a few of my not so distant family members, I feel liberated. In as much as I am now angry that those five years of my life seemed to have gone to waste, I am happy because of the conviction I have and the unfathomable power I have to stand against any molester. My voice is my activism, my life is my activism and my story is my activism.I am African. Such a lifestyle and tolerance to molestation and incest is great in its numbers from where I am from. Such a stand up on my part is a fight against social norms. Activism, for me, is the power to stand my ground and defend what is rightfully mine; and that is regardless of any retaliation I am ever going to face.

standing tall

Apparently it takes more than what is imagined to pursue a vision JI have just recently signed up for the face of Zimbabwe beauty contest.http://www.faceofzimbabwe.com/contestant_details.php?cnt_id=195  .As I see all the beautiful ladies I am competing against aswell as the circumstances surrounding me, I am beginning to question my motives behind me taking a bite at this big challenge.

I realize that I ought to be a role model of victims of rape and abuse and incest. I feel it’s the least I could do given my past experiences with regards to the matter J if I managed to crawl out of that little dark hole, I am pretty sure anybody else can. Like I always say, I am really liberated and finally free from the bondage of the past.

This contest is to show how I have moved forward, how I am no longer a victim but a victor in all respects. More always, it’s a bigger challenge than I assumed it would be. I am surrounded by passion driven women, with so much enthusiasm as well as a bucketful more confidence than I do. My character and power of self is being tested on a daily basis. Now and then I have been missing the target to which I have set for myself with regards to this competition. It is not about a win or loss. It is indeed about an extremely vocal platform that teaches women from all walks of life that they are beautiful, regardless of the scars that they bear or the baggage they seem to convey to the rest of the world.

Beauty can only be put across from the inside out. All these beautiful women are beautiful for their own reasons. Well, this is mine Jhttp://www.faceofzimbabwe.com/contestant_details.php?cnt_id=195
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faceofzimbabwe.com%2Fcontestant_details.php%3Fcnt_id%3D195&h=cAQAdh6LI

YouTube - Jennifer Hudson - I remember me [2011 HQ]

YouTube - Jennifer Hudson - I remember me [2011 HQ]

I love this song. After five years of going through so much bitterness and resentment and defeat in my life, finally I got to remember me. I am beautiful and priceless and I have the whole world to conquer J I was once bound by the past, sometimes I still feel like the past five years of my life were stolen from me, but I remember that through it all I have a testimony. The bible says all things work together for good for those who love the lord and for those who are called to His purpose. I am no longer a victim, but a triumphant victor. I remember me, and nothing will hold me down from now on.

it is my prayer today that the Lord my show me the right way to do what i strongly believe he has called me to be. not my wisdom but His, not my knowledge or understanding, but His. i pray that He be the leader and author of everything. 
Amen <3

cutting of my addictions/dependencies/insecurities :)

       When we decide to go through a revolution in our lives, there will always come about situations that will test us to see if we have actually moved on. I have talked much about my beat down self esteem and being defeated. Well on the long list of wrong doings, I always liked to please people. I never wanted to upset anybody, and I would make sure that I didn’t. I would beg and apologize and kiss up and buy friendship, that is, I would buy my “friends” stuff or offer stuff. If they said jump, I would say how high. I’m thinking because of my past experiences I was always so desperate to have a relationship with anyone such that I tried too hard. I held on so tight because I thought that was what was going to make me feel better. In me holding on, something quickly messed up everything and I was back on ground zero.

        It is today, however that I seem to be going through this same phase of wanting to be needed in a relationship of some sort that I remember that the bible says  IN AS MUCH AS SOME TRUST IN HORSES AND CHARIOTS, MY HOPE AND TRUST OUGHT TO BE IN THE LORD.

       I shouldn’t need somebody’s approval to be happy. At the end of the day it is God’s approval that matters the most. For example I shouldn’t need a boyfriend the influence of a peer to make me happy, because they will disappoint you, they are human. But God says in His word that HE IS NOT A MAN THAT HE SHOULD LIE, NEITHER IS HE A SON OF MAN THAT HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS MIND.

I wouldn’t know what your point of desperation may be. Perhaps alcohol, drugs, sex?

       I personally, LOOK UP TO THE HILLS FROM WHERE MY HELP COMES FROM? MY HELP COMES FROM THE LORD, THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH.

        He knows me better than any person would even attempt. J